I Cannot Wish This Away
Spent over four hours on the phone a couple of nights ago. Always seems that whenever I talk to Claire, she makes life seem better. I know I got jealous, over reacted and subsequently felt like commiting murder but that was it. A knee-jerk reaction to a situation I knew I’d have to confront at some point.
I can’t hold grudges. I can’t feel animosity to anyone for long.
I often wonder now if my ex is actually my soul mate, if such things really do exist. We get on too well. We know each other too well. We predict each too well. We sense each other’s moods too well.
What is a soul mate anyway?
I got stung last night, Claire inadvertantly sent me a text intended for someone else. ie, her new boyfriend. “Did my baby sleep last night?”
I always thought friends told each other things. That’s what we were. Friends. Didn’t matter that we weren’t going out anymore. We always got on really well.
It seems that all she’s ever done is lie to me. Held things back. Some things get said eventually but always afterwards, when it doesn’t really matter anymore. When she ended our relationship she gave reasons which now cannot be trusted or believed. The events of her going away with him now have to be judged in a totally new light. At the time I was the only one who trusted her because I loved her. He was a friend, he had been a friend for several years. Why should I have doubted her?
Yet again I’ve been played for a fool.
It feels like nothing has been going on in my life since everything finished with Claire. Everything has been about work and football.
